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Tom Eaton

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

Andre Brink Ate My Baby!

At least that was what I hoped to find someone screaming as the 7de Laan Omibus rattled interminably past on this Sunday afternoon.

For those who have not yet discovered their inner soap addict, the 7de Laan Omnibus is not an ancient double-decker that becreeps the streets of Jozi. Instead it is all 583 episodes of 7de Laan from the week just ending, shown all Sunday long in direct contravention of the Geneva Convention.

Days of Our Lives has done marketing cross-overs for some time (old school Dool pros like me will recall the recent Rolling Stones concert at which Austin and Carry rediscovered each other, the light glinting romantically off Mick Jagger’s moist and prehensile bottom lip, and I suspect we are about to enter a whole NASCAR phase with the implausible EJ Wells at the wheel of Shaun Brady’s supercar).

Local soaps have generally been a little coy to indulge in full-blown marketing ploys, and have tended to stick to breaking news (“Gosh, bru, how’s that hectic thing in Bali, hey?” “Ja, pretty hectic”). But 7de Laan started pushing the envelope, to borrow a phrase from the test pilots, when Matrone and Hilda foisted their boerewors on us.

But this week the Laan went one step further, when the plot reached out of the telly like that soggy child from The Ring and grabbed our very own AP Brink and Karina, plonking them down in the Laan’s bookshop for one of the stranger launches of ‘n Vurk in die Pad’ to date.

I thought he handled himself beautifully given the plot constraints, and brought a faintly tragic air of reality to the scene, rather like someone playing a cello at a Jonas Brothers concert.

But I must confess that I was disappointed.

Where was the titanic battle of wills between Brink and the Laan’s own Top Author, Ryno? At least they could have arm-wrestled while sneering out pithy retorts, or had a fire-eating contest to prove which of them had spent more time on the left bank of the Seine? (Obviously ABP would have won, leaving Ryno to skulk out saying, “I’ll get you, my pretty! And your little fork too!”)

Where was the scene in which a tormented Brink, hounded by his cigar-chomping publisher, clutched at his eyes and sobbed, “I…I just need…more time! You don’t understand! None of you understand!”? Where was the scene in which Karina’s boerewors fails to be shortlisted by Matrone and she storms out, slamming the set door hard enough to make the wall flex like one of those wow-wow boards they use to make thunder noises in school productions of The Tempest? And where were the accusations of baby-eating that mark the truly great soaps?

“Andre P. Brink! You ate my baby!”
“Madam, I assure you I only deconstructed it.”
“You monster!”
“Shall I make it out to anyone in particular, or just ‘Best wishes from’?”
“Make it out to Stacci. Two c’s and an i.”

 

Recent comments:

  • <a href="http://karinamagdalenaszczurek.book.co.za" rel="nofollow">Karina</a>
    Karina
    March 8th, 2009 @19:56 #
     
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    Would the fact that I was being eaten alive on set be sensational enough?
    I was.

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  • <a href="http://karinamagdalenaszczurek.book.co.za" rel="nofollow">Karina</a>
    Karina
    March 8th, 2009 @19:57 #
     
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    And I almost lost my skirt...

    Bottom
  • <a href="http://karinamagdalenaszczurek.book.co.za" rel="nofollow">Karina</a>
    Karina
    March 8th, 2009 @19:57 #
     
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    And Loftus was a star!

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  • <a href="http://fionasnyckers.book.co.za" rel="nofollow">Fiona</a>
    Fiona
    March 8th, 2009 @20:52 #
     
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    There, folks. What did I say? Never a dull sentence.

    Karina, when you say you were being eaten alive on set, I'm going to go with the interpretation that mosquitoes were bothering you. Anything else is just too worrying.

    Bottom
  • <a href="http://alexsmith.book.co.za/" rel="nofollow">Alex Smith</a>
    Alex Smith
    March 8th, 2009 @20:59 #
     
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    Karina, I missed it! I'm such a twit, I meant to record it... please can you put it on YouTube?:))

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  • <a href="http://karinamagdalenaszczurek.book.co.za" rel="nofollow">Karina</a>
    Karina
    March 9th, 2009 @08:43 #
     
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    Fiona, mosquitoes would have been fine. It was much worse than that. Let me just say that I was not wearing my own clothes...
    I did record, but have no clue whether I may or can put it on YouTube...

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  • <a href="http://fionasnyckers.book.co.za" rel="nofollow">Fiona</a>
    Fiona
    March 9th, 2009 @09:04 #
     
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    Eeeuww. Karina, that is NOT good. Hope you didn't import any of the critters into your own home. Maybe a bath in cattle dip would be in order?

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  • <a href="http://rustumkozain.book.co.za" rel="nofollow">Rustum Kozain</a>
    Rustum Kozain
    March 9th, 2009 @09:52 #
     
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    I too saw Loftus, adopting that method acting approach, generally not standing close to a window. I say the Fleur du Cap is in the bank.

    But Tom, what about Egoli's own experiments with twilight zone crossovers? Were they not the first to use characters (or was it merely the actors?) from Loving and Dynasty? And characters from local beauty competitions?

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  • ar
    ar
    March 12th, 2009 @13:15 #
     
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    I have not discovered my inner soap addict. Clearly, I have been missing out on far too much, and don't want to miss out on even more now that envelopes are being pushed. Will begin watching the 7de Laan Omibus this very Sunday. V excited.

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